Pretending to Be…

Some Dreams Stay Dreams…
November 4, 2008, 5:49 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

You if you could dive into the deepest and most creative sanctums of my brain you would realize in fact, that I am a genius. But the problem is the that my most ingenious and breath-taking ideas never materialize into any sort of tangible form. Its true pertaining to this blog. I have so many great ideas for posts and so many great concepts but they never come to fruition. I feel like if I just had enough time to work on my blog and work on the great ideas in my head and translate it to blog form that the masses will love to come and read what I have to write and pretend about. Partly it is my own fault, I can get lazy sometimes, but the biggest culprit is school and the titanic workload I juggle around. You know, the REAL stuff in life, not the pretend stuff.

But its even true in school. I am in fact, an architecture major, and at the start of every project I start ,I have so many great ideas and so many amazing feats that formulate in my brain, but at the end of the project I am left with a disappointed feeling at the final result. Actually, in 2 1/2 years of school I only am proud of 3 specific projects I have done. 3! And I have probably done about 20 or 30 projects.

It can get pretty demoralizing. Working countless days on a project. Countless sleepless nights. Countless meals missed. Shrugging off your social retardation. Losing hair follicles probably because of all the fucking caffeinated drinks you intake. And slowly beginning to talk to a volleyball that you paint a face on and call ‘Wilson’.
And then after all that sacrifice, at the finish line, the pretty damning truth is that you are not proud of what you have produced. Its a feeling that is indescribable. And, its a feeling that I wonder why I get. I mean for most my projects I usually give close to 100%. Apart from freshman year, most of my work has gotten my fullest effort to the fullest extent. But I always feel empty seeing the final result. Its kinda like you seeing your best girlfriend with a guy and you getting jealous. You have absolutely no sexual or emotion feelings for her, but yet there are some jealous emotions that arise. Its something you cant explain (shut up, Freud, shut up).

In the past I always say that I need to work harder. And all I can say now, is the same thing. Work harder. Drive yourself harder until the effort gets painful. And its far from New Years but I will make a resolution now that I will not break. Today was the start of my final project in design. And I will make it something I am proud of. Also I will not neglect this blog, and churn out the most creative shit ever. The second promise I will probably break, but the first one is something I wont.

Maybe if I put this promise in written form I will think twice about breaking it.


1 Comment so far
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quit giving yourself a hard time, jun! i love reading what you write, and your brilliance does shine through. nevertheless, i admire your sudden drive to work harder — keep it up! just don’t put yourself down while you’re at it 😛

Comment by heidi

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